In defense of big families
A while back at a dinner party an acquaintance said that she felt sorry for kids in large families, because the older kids “gave up their own childhood” to help raise the younger kids.
I could not disagree more.
While it is true that in large families the parents become less of a focus. Mom and dad can’t do everything or even as much as parents of 1 or 2 kids. If we tried, we would turn into gelatinous blobs of goo and the kids would be on their own anyway. But what does happen is that a tribe mentality develops. Everyone chips in and, most importantly, we all take care of each other. Now, I am not talking about a democracy… hell no! In this tribe there are chiefs! But there is also the reality that we ALL make this family work.
That means that the oldest kids sometimes read the bedtime stories to the youngest or cook dinner one night or babysit so mom and dad can go out for coffee or just get a private conversation with each other. This is not a bummer for anyone. Not even that older kid. What they get in return (beyond the skills it takes to do these things) is trust, responsibility, and a relationship with their younger siblings that goes beyond bickering or vying for attention. I know Jade would throw herself in front of a bus to save her little sister. And that kind of love does not always come naturally when you are 13! The oldest(s) get the best hugs. They get to be the favorite. They get to be the heroes.
When they score a goal at their soccer games, they get the sloppy wet kiss of a 4 year old. They get to see their little sister snatch up their hand-me-downs like they are gold so she can imitate them. They get tackled the moment they get home from school and, sometimes, sometimes, they get to rock the baby to sleep. It is through these experiences that they actually hold on to their childhood. They get to build legos longer, play dress up more often, and watch cartoons without excuse.
The love that flows between these oldest and these youngest and all the ones in between is not for us parents, us adults, to understand and certainly not to judge. But we do get to enjoy it. And occasionally we get a night “off” as a result of it.
Ty (4) hugging Jade (13) after his preschool graduation!
As the youngest of 5 children I couldn’t agree with you more!
That looks like the best hug ever….. Tom is one of five and the relationship he has with his siblings is incredible. They all live by each other, talk everyday and are in each others life daily. As a grown up this all by choice and we are thankful everyday for that big family. It is truly a gift.
I like the word ‘tribe.’ We’ve always talked about the Dahlman-Oeth ‘team.’ Whitney and are both one in sets of four kids. We didn’t exactly plan to have four, but it sure seems to work out well.
Sure, the dinner table gets a little noisy sometimes. Heck, the whole house gets a little noisy sometimes. After all, they have 22 different combinations to argue with one another…
BUT, they have 22 different combinations for bike riding, fort building, swimming, sharing or trading chores, and scheming against their parents.
I have no doubt that there are benefits and drawbacks to being part of a big family, small family or even being an only child. Seems to me, it is what it is. As we say on our team, you get what you get and…well you know.
Think I’ll call my brothers now.
1.) Ty looks JUST LIKE you!!! Such a cutie!
2.) I should have married someone from a big family. I hear they can (and will!) cook! :)
Yah know, Dave is an only child and I only have the one brother… we also inherited rather than grew our big family, which changes things. So, we really had to articulate to ourselves our “big family” philosophy. Hmmm.. there is probably another post in here somewhere, so I’ll be quiet for now…
this makes me want to have a big family…well, sort of. Can I just borrow your sweet kids?
I love the look on Ty’s face and Jade has gotten huge.
As the oldest of four who had a brother that was 12 years younger I can say that I did indeed give up some of my childhood for my younger brother. I loved kids and I loved to babysit but maybe what your friend was referring too was those parents that take advantage of it. I know I was put in situations that was not capable of handling at 14 and that too often, I was put in charge of my younger siblings when I should have just been allowed to be a teen. If you don’t take advantage of the situation the outcome can be much different.
I love that picture so much, Kari. Adorable! What a great capture of a sweet moment.