How Motherhood Has Changed Me — Part II
I love being a mom. Even when I am cringing at the sounds of my son’s voice, or exhausted by how buying the “right” coat for an 8th grade girl can feel like Middle East peace negotiations, I am glad that I am a mom. But, being a mom has made me needy. Very needy. Almost to the point where I wonder if there is some 12-step program for moms (if there isn’t, maybe there should be).
Mostly I need sleep. And I need adult food – like steak or red curry or expensive hamburgers. I also often need new clothes – ones that are not covered with someone else’s food or don’t embarrass my older girls at their complete lack of coolness. I probably need some new vernacular, too. Words like “cool” or “awesome” are so “ghetto” and not “tight”at all (how am I doing?).
I also need a lot of Grace. And I do mean Grace with the big “G”. Every single day I make mistakes that I can only pray do not send my kids to years and years of therapy someday. Like the time I was so frustrated with Ty’s behavior I threatened to take away his birthday or when I insisted that Izzy take off the “ugly” head band for her school pictures or just how every year going to get the Christmas tree results in some form of tension between Dave and me, but I still insist on loading all 7 of us up in the mini-van the Saturday after Thanksgiving to go get a damn tree and begin Christmas!
Ugh.
I also need my kids to hug me, and kiss me. Probably more than they need me to kiss and hug them. I need to take their pictures in such a way that they will see what I saw at each stage. I need to fill their babybooks with snippets that will help me remember everything. I need to be treated tenderly because my heart now lives on the outside and walks and talks and eats and poops. I need to pray and pray and pray that all 5 will be safe and healthy and that their teachers will love them and that their friends will be kind to them and that someday they will find someone to love them and that, hence, I will get grandkids that hopefully will sleep through the night and eat all their veggies and never scrape their knees.
I could go on and on. Like I said, I am very needy. And I love being a mom.
I found my way to your blog from Me Ra – so far, I really like your writing and your content.
I understand what you mean about your heart walking outside of you and your need to protect them. Part of those reasons are why I became a child passenger safety technician (and the loss of my friend’s son is the other). If I can just keep them safe and sound in ways I can control, then just maybe they will make it alright. However, I need to learn the Grace you speak of too – there are too many times when I replay a scene in my head and cringe with regret.
oh my goodness, today’s post made me laugh outloud and cry at the end! How do you do that! I loved the line, “I need to be treated tenderly b/c my heart now lives on the outside…” And we have the same argument with the Christmas tree. Where is Norman Rockwell when you REALLY need him?
Your words Kari bring life. Keep sharing. Keep writing. xoxo
Kari,
Keep writing! You are on to something great! You write with humor and heart, the laugh and then the teary eye I get will make me check Mamabloo every day!