IN MEMORY
I never knew Ben. I didn’t really even know his parents. I knew his family through back channels. His mom and dad attended the church I used to go to and they were friends of friends. The day I learned that he had cancer was also the same day that Dave and I received final custody of our three nieces.
I remember waiting for an email, a phone call, smoke signals, ANYTHING from our lawyer telling us that the judge had found in our favor, that my family would be intact. I paced the house, clutching my stomach, hitting refresh over and over on my email. Praying. Cursing. Begging. When the news came from our attorney that final custody had been awarded to us, I burst into tears. I was so happy. So relieved. So glad that the battle was over. “Dear God,” I said. “Thank you.”
The next email I got was letting me know that little Ben had cancer. Specifically, neuroblastoma – a particularly aggressive, horrible version of an already horrible disease. Ben was the same age as Ty at the time and I remember being willing to trade anything… anything to never hear those words. I would take difficult legal proceedings any day over battling cancer.
For the next year I watched from the cheap seats via his mother’s words on her blog. She painted a picture of their fight against cancer that was tattooed on my brain forever. I tried to think of any words to comfort her, to bolster her… none came. So, I prayed. We prayed. Everyone in the world prayed. And on Dec. 30th 2008, Ben died. He was 3 years old.
I went to his memorial service and listened to his pastor speak from the book of Habakkuk. He spoke about asking God for the answers as to why this happened. And to be patient for that answer. Then I watched as much better Christians than I let their faith slip. “Why even pray?” they said. “I don’t know, “ I answered. And my faith slipped, too.
Well, it has been a year. And God still has not answered me (let alone his mother… his father… his baby brother) as to why this little boy had to die. And I am not sure what answer God could give that would be satisfactory. All I know is that I didn’t even know Ben and I’ll never forget him.
=( I have no wise words to offer. Just prayers for Ben’s family and for other families in similar situations. Losing little ones is the hardest thing I could even imagine having to cope with.
I just began following your blog last week after reading about you on Me Ra Koh’s blog and have already passed your link along to several friends. I love the way you write – straight from the heart.
This past August, a dear friend of mine lost her 16 year old after a 5 year battle with cancer. As a mom, I can’t imagine anything more horrific than watching something like that happen and having no power over that something. These kinds of events reverberate and send ripples out to everyone within their reach. The power of those connections is what I hold on to when my faith slips.
“Ring the bells that still can ring, Forget your perfect offering, There is a crack in everything, That’s how the light gets in. ” – Leonard Cohen
Thanks for writing this. I have been thinking about Ben’s parents a lot over the past year and my heart is still broken for them. I followed their story as my own first baby grew and was born just a couple weeks before Ben died. I think I will remember Ben at my son’s birthday every year forever. Bless them, they did not deserve this. No parent should have to endure the tradegy of losing their child.
Hello…this is a surely a message that needs to be told. Our family knows all too well what it means to lose a child. It was not from cancer or a disease, but from a tragic car accident.
I began following your blog after seeing it on Me Ra Koh’s website. I have a photography blog too, but I made a special one in Loving Memory of our Son, Will, after I could not log on to his memorial myspace page we made for him.
We, too, have questioned why and received no answers…Someone told us not to put a question mark where God has put a period. No it is not much comfort and never can be to a parent that has lost a child…or anyone that has lost a loved one for that matter.
We just have to rest inside of us knowing that our child is no longer hurting or cold or sick…or having to put up with all the discouraging things in the world, but that they are safe in the arms of God now.
It is the only thing that can console in times of grief…And grief is not something we get over…it is something we go through for the rest of our lives without that child or loved one…
Thank you for writing from the heart,
Susan…forever loving my Will
Thank you for all your comments on this post — they have meant a lot.
Wow. I will be praying for little Ben’s family. Unfortunately we don’t always get the answers to the “whys”. God doesn’t promise those, but here’s what I love that He does promise – peace that PASSES understanding. Not peace IN understanding, but peace that passes understanding. I am praying for His peace and comfort for the family.
There is a song that ministered to me when I was asking “Why?” and not really getting understanding. (That was when God showed me that His peace passes understanding.)
Here are the lyrics:
WHY (© copyright Michael W. Smith & Crystal Lewis)
My thoughts they overwhelm me
My mind cannot contain
The pain that is within me – Why
I long for understanding
I live to know the peace
that comes from being sure of something
My eyes are blind to your ways oh Lord
Yet I’ve seen you love and care, so
I rest in your knowing, though I may not know
I take on your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises your word for me provides
I find therein the answer to the question – why…
My complaint today is bitter
But sweet is your reply
My questioning still lingers though – why
You know each road I travel down
My heart and Yours are one
But I just don’t see the good in all this
My eyes are blind to your ways oh Lord
yet I’ve seen you love and care so…
I rest in your knowing, though I may not know
I take on your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises your word for me provides
I find therein the answer to the question Why…
Through suffering and sorrow comes peace beyond belief
For our present set of circumstances
Serve only to remind us of the gold we can’t yet see
I rest in your knowing, though I may not know
I take on your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises your word for me provides
I find therein the answer to the question Why…