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The other day as Emme and I were going to school to pick Ty up from kindergarten, she decided that holding my hand in the parking lot was not going to work for her. Fine, I said, then I am going to carry you. This, however, was not to her liking either. She then proceeded to throw an I will-be-two-in-almost-5- months type of fit. I walked her into the school, took her to a carpeted corner away from the masses of parents and let her cry. I stayed by her. Usually my kids’ fits don’t both me ( I do mean usually here, I am not superhuman) and this one was more amusing to me, actually, as it was quite dramatic from Emme wrapping herself into the frontal fetal position (bum in the air) with both hands over her eyes etc etc. It was one of those time when I was pretty okay with the fit — afterall, I had had enough coffee that morning, the sun was out, and I was pretty darn convinced of my parental stance of hand-holding in the parking lot .
BUT THEN I looked up and saw a mom look at us, roll her eyes, and give “the look” to another mom and say, “Somebody is upset…” in reference to Emme. And let’s just say the tone was not, um, supportive. You can hear it, can’t you?
The incident with Emme got me thinking about just how fast we moms are to judge other moms and to judge ourselves in relation to other moms. When I was a baby, my mom had a neighbor with a child, Emily, who went to sleep on time and sat on a blanket for hours playing with a book. And my mom had me. My mom felt terrible and like she was a bad mom because I didn’t act perfectly — like Emily — all the time… or really… ever.
And then I started to feel really bad. I am sure I have stomped on someone’s feelings when I thought I was being insightful or even supportive - when really I was being stupid and insenstive.
But I think its even worse when we purposely take steps to judge each other’s mothering. When instead of offering Grace to each other, we offer judgement. And, believe me, I am not perfect here. But being a fellow-mom should be permission to uphold, to uplift, to edify, and to be compassionate rather than the opposite.
As Emme was crying another mom came over and smiled at me and said, “You don’t look bothered one bit! Little does Emme know you have been through this before and you have it figured out!”
That’s what I am talking about, sister. Oh, and I have it ALMOST figured out.
Saturday at lunch Ty informed the family that he has an invisible tail.
Ya wanna see?
Well, I will try to see it. It is invisible after all.
He wags his bum at me and says, see it?
Uh, well….
It has very small feathers on it that you need a microscope to see.
It does?
Mommy? When something is invisible can you still touch it and feel it?
I think so. But I don’t really know for sure.
Well, then my tail is also intangible.
Of course it is.
I hear all the time, “How do you do it with five kids?” And the honest answer is this: It is really not THAT hard. I mean, there is certainly a ton… a ton… of energy expended in kid-care, but there is also a synergy to a big family that makes it work. All the kids have playmates, a few years back we got two built-in babysitters, chores are spread out over more hands, there is always someone to laugh at your jokes, the whole family is perfect blog fodder … the list goes on.
But, perhaps, the hardest thing about being in a family with 5 kids spread over a 13 year age span is that we really don’t fit in anywhere.
Here is what I mean. We have friends with school-age kids slash teens and we have friends with preschoolers… but we are the only ones we know that have both. And this amounts to an incredible feeling of not fitting in… of isolation. One might think it would be the oppposite, but it really isn’t.
We face teenage issues about making good choices, fights with friends, and hormones right alongside potty training, learning the ABCs, and well-baby check ups.
We are never in the “Same Place” for long.
Add to that and I am not really a throw-the-baby-in-a-sling-and-climb-a-mountain type of gal. I am a stay at home read-a-book-while -snuggling-on-the-couch-eating-take-out type of gal and it gets pretty lonely.
I try to look at it this way: My adventure IS my family, IS my parenting, IS how to get the laundry done, IS how to stay within our budget and so forth. And I am actually happy with that arrangement. But there are times when I wish we could throw ourselves into just one place and live our life in that place for a while…but we can’t. So, we watch… a lot. And work hard. And sleep when we can.
Tuesday, June 15th started off pretty well….
5:30am – Dave leaves to get to his 7:30am job interview in city located 25 minutes south.
7:00am – Emme wakes up a bit early, so I choose to forgoe my early shower (afterall, grandma is in town so I will have time later!).
7:20am – Stumble downstairs. Jade is all ready for school and Ty and Emme and Grandma are all waking up slowly in the living room. I grab a cup of coffee and settle in for what should be a nice, well-planned day. I say a little prayer for Dave that his interview goes well.
7:59am – Jade leaves for school.
But then…
8:00 am – Ty informs me that he played a joke on daddy and has hidden daddy’s keys. What? Where?
8:01am – Ty reveals Dave’s work keys to the school and classroom, plus his ID badge. I have an “a ha” moment about the remark last night when Dave said, “I can’t find my keys.”
8:03am – Text Dave, “Ty hid yr keys. We have them here if U need them.”
8:05am – Dave calls to inform me that they moved his interview back to 9:15am and that he is on his way home to get his keys. I do mental math (not my strong point, by the way) and realize by the time he gets home, he will have only about 10 minutes before he will need to get back into his car and head back to his interview.
8:07am- Izzy asks me, “Will you flat iron my hair for 6th grade graduation today?” Yes, go get flat iron and plug it in in Jade’s bathroom where there is more counter space.
8:08am – Load Izzy and Lily’s fancy dresses into garbage bags because it has started pouring down rain.
8:10am – Izzy and I head down to bathroom to work on her hair. Ty trails behind us to watch.
8:11am – Ty touches the hot part of the flat iron. Screams, “I touched it on accident!!!!!” I pick him up and run to the other bathroom because Jade’s sink backs up really easily. Run finger under cold water for several minutes. Carry sobbing 5 year old to kitchen and put on bandaid. Hold him. Carry him back to Jade’s bathroom
8:15am – Dave arrives home. Ty runs from bathroom to get a hug from Daddy. I begin flat ironing hair.
8:19am – Flat ironed hair looks pretty darn good.
8:20am – Walk down the hallway and question Dave’s outfit choice for interviewing. I run upstairs to the closet to see if I can do better. I can’t.
8:22am – Return downstairs to Ty and Emme screaming in Dave’s arms. Loudly. I don’t ask.
8:23am – I sit on big chair and go into an alternate universe where they have unicorns.
8:26am – Microwave my coffee and take my first sip.
8:29am – Dave starts to leave, but kids are still screaming. I got it, I say. Just go. Oh, and good luck on your interview.
8:30am – Ty tackles me on the big chair. Cries some more. I use deep breathing techniques to get him to relax. Emme decides to walk around the living room with a dishtowel over her head and discovers that this can cause her to run into things.
8:35am – Izzy and Lily (remember them?) gather stuff to get ready for school.
8:45am – Neighbor girl shows up to pick up Izzy and Lily and they head out the door.
And to wrap it all up…
8:45am to 1:15pm – a short hiatus where I debrief Dave’s interview, finally get my shower, throw in a load of laundry, eat breakfast, fix lunch, put Emme down for a nap, put on nice clothes for aforementioned 6th grade graduation, pack a snack and camera for the afore aforementioned graduation, help grandma pack a picnic for upcoming swim meet, watch Ty’s “battle show” on TV.
2:00 to 5:30pm – All 8 of us (including Grandma Bloo) attend a 90 minute 6th grade graduation where Emme tries to steal the show multiple times by shouting “YA YA” at the top of her lungs and performing 1 year old dance moves to all the music from the slideshow. Then Grandma, Dave, and I put hands in a circle and yell “BREAK” and run in three different directions. Me to dentist with Jade and Ty, Grandma to swim meet with Izzy and Lily, Dave to home with Emme. We exchange seven texts and four phone calls between us — none while driving — and I finally arrive home before the rain starts up again only to read an email that reveals that Lily is on the wrong soccer team for the Fall. Seriously?
5:31 to 7:38pm – Eat some form of food, have talk with Dave about why he doesn’t take me on fancy dates any more, discover there is no toilet paper in our bathroom, and realize the underwire in my bra is trying to empale me.
7:39pm – -Open beer.
7:40pm – Make a mental note to not forget anything on tomorrow’s agenda.
7:41pm- Drink beer
The End. Well, not really.
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